la llorona

November 19, 2008 § 2 Comments

ah frida, you wanted to be a mother so badly.  when i first saw your paintings…i didnt get it.  why would you just paint your portrait over and over again.  i was 14 years old and just saw a woman with monkeys and flowers.  it all seemed too simple.  i wanted hyper-reality, complicated designs, etc.  when i was older i saw a photograph of you in a friend’s bedroom and could not forget the image.  at that moment i saw how you were your art.  how you could create and recreate yourself into yourself so completely that it looked effortless.  and suddenly i wanted to enter your lush and painful world and claim it as my own. 

tonight i am feeling cold.  even though the heat is on and the lil electric heater is by my feet.  even though this laptop is warm and i am wearing my brightest colored sweater (colors you would love).  even though i received very good news today and i know that i am loved.  even with all that i feel cold inside my marrow. 

perhaps it is because with all of the warmth, i know that to endure pain does not make it hurt less. 

my brother is in trouble.  the kind of trouble that you cannot just walk away from.  the kind of trouble that you can only walk towards.  he is my baby brother, but a grown man now, who makes grown decisions that i can’t make for him.   he is my only sibling.  we are the only two people alive who knows what we went through growing up.  and if i could pull him out of the fire i would.  but there are no words left.  we each know what the other has to say. 

dont get burned. again. 

sometimes i feel like in this life that is all any of us do–paint our portraits over and over again. constantly re-create ourselves into ourselves.  and when that no longer works, we just sit down and cry. 

i am planning to be a portrait artist soon.  it is part of my lil plan to take over the world.  the problem i always had with being a portraint artist was that i drew what i saw and not how the other person saw themselves.  it frustrated me to no end.  but now i am ready to show them their beauty.  i have enough confidence in my own beauty, i have recreated myself into myself, that i can now show others’ theirs. 

dammit the heater just blew the circuits.

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