crossing borders

December 12, 2008 § Leave a comment

honestly i am not sure how to respond to this article from september 2008.

my honest response is post-despair.  as in after you have accepted that the world is fucked up.  and that the masters are determined to win. and you are only one person, then what?  i am sure i am not the only person who feels this way.  what happens after you throw up your hands and say: look, that sucks but i cant do anything about it.  i’ve got enough causes on my plate.

this country is denying the citizenship of people because they were born in the wrong part of the country.  if you were born in the southwest you are more likely to be denied citizenship. if you were born with brown skin in the wrong part of the country, if you were born poor in the wrong part of the country, if you were born by midwife, if you were born…

i am feeling overwhelmed lately.  i have to leave the country in less than a month.  the apartment is a mess.  my kid needs to be potty trained.   i have to study arabic.  i have to write.  i have to keep in touch with my friends.  i have to sustain a relationship with my partner.  i have to get my brain in gear to travel with a one-year old and a bunch of other complications.

and so this shouldnt be my issue.

but i too am about to cross borders.  and hopefully that crossing will be easy.  and hopefully i can live in the place that i want to live.  but there is a possibility that something will go wrong.  that i too will be told that i dont belong.  because of the color of my skin.  the sound of my name.  the look of my child.  the sound of my voice.

i thought about writing a poem about this lil article.  perhaps i still will.  but what will a poem do?  other than open up language like a child with a dictionary and a magnifying glass?

ugh, people think i do what i do because i want to be helpful.  if helpful was the feeling i was going for…this is the last thing i would be doing.   i so rarely feel helpful.  you ever have that feeling that you are helpless and determined to do what gets you up in the morning?

my kid is going to be up soon.  el compa will be making breakfast for.  maybe the insomnia will be past like wind on the ocean and i will get some sleep.  the sun will shine maybe.  a us soldier will be told that he is not a citizen, but, hey! thanks for the service.

why do i have insomnia?  cause the heart is not meant to be endure this much without breaking and i spend my nights patching the heart back together with crazy glue and spittle.

when i am around others i can be lighthearted, funny, witty, even, quick, sociable, and cute.  but when it is dawn and i watch the children march themselves to school bundled in boots and furry hats, i cant help but wonder if god knew what he was doing when he made us.  god was like the kid who enters the science fair with a project that was way too complicated for the time allotment so he turns in a half-done project gets a ‘c’ on it and then throws it in the trash and figures next year he is just making a volcano.

fuck god.

it is like 730 am.  i am going to crack open a beer.  smoke a cigarette.  and get some sleep.


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