October 30, 2009 § 4 Comments
1. the problem is that we tell folks that power makes them human. and to our ears that sounds close to the truth. but the only kind of power they teach us about is the power over another. our society is constructed so that to have power we have to have power over someone. and we dont know how to feed ourselves on our inner power. on the soul. we arent encouraged to have rich inner lives. (am thinking of jung and the book that we just published posthumously.) we have good reason to not have rich inner lives, inner power, internal validation. people who do are not considered by the world at large to be powerful and thus to be human.
2 we taught that we have a moral social obligation to have as much control as possible over our lives. and since our lives are filled with people. we must have control over them. to some extent. of course it turns out that it is impossible to have control over lives in any substantial soul affirming way. trying to control others ends up taking time and energy that we could be using to build our own personal strength.
3 when i think of confidence. i think of hope. and by hope i do not mean that tomorrow *will* be better that today. but that it could be. there is that possibility. everything is changing. things fall apart. and other things come together.
it seems that the other choices i have are: suicide. or depression. but really? for me. depression is just suicide postponed.
u see the way things are now in the world. not good. not sustainable. not healthy. i am really bad at lying to myself and saying that this is an okay way for people to live.
4 i am trying to figure out when did i first understand that if any of us are suffering then none of us are free. i dont know. i feel like i was born with that knowledge. i was the kind of kid who hated charlotte’s web because i always cried at the end.
i also have had some pretty powerful experiences in my childhood that convinced me that there is a larger pattern beyond my scope, and i am part of that pattern. in other words the universe supports my existence. i am co creating the cosmos with all beings.
oh. and i pray a lot.
5 so even though the world tells me that i am less than. not really human. second class. inferior. i keep meditating and looking for that vision that is imprinted on my mind that all beings are precious and powerful.
in my vision. there is this little light inside of me. a flame. always burning. and when i am seeing myself as precious. loved. understood. real. human. then i am ablaze. confident.
and when i am ablaze. the world moves differently. walls melt.
6 and dont get me wrong. people. lots of people. the real haters. are always trying throw water on the inner fire. for me that is so frustrating. i have to start back at a tiny flame. and get some fuel. and burn burn burn. again. it takes up precious time and energy.
7 i am working on burning so hot that i evaporate the water. the moment it touches me. and becomes steam. hiss.