November 30, 2009 § 2 Comments
my soul, my flame is stronger than the trauma
if i just sit or lay down and feel the trama. keep coming back the feeling in my body and my mind of the trama everytime i get destracted. at first, i will feel my soul diminishing. feel my inner fire growing more and more cold. but the flame never goes completely out. no matter how much trama there is inside of me or around me. it wont kill my soul.
and the more that i try to not feel the trauma, to hold back the trama, the smaller my flame gets.
but when i open tot he trauma and feel the pain. i see my soul–at first small, more like the light on a gas stove, small and blue and barely alive–become a blaze! burning through me. but never burning me.
i am the burning bush that moses knelt in front of.
we are stronger than the trauma, than the rape, than the shame, than the violence, than the broken heart.
trauma is like a ghost that lives in my house. some people lock their traumas in the attack and all day and all night the ghost stomps on the floor and kicks the door demanding to get out. some people put the ghost in the attic when company visits. the company gets spooked and everyone tries to pretend like nothing is going on.
but we can let the ghost out of the attic. and sit and chat with him for a bit. discover that he is charming and quiet when he is talking over tea and biscuits. discover that he was only kicking and screaming to get out of the attic. that he misses the sunshine. the ghost puts his hat on his, picks up his briefcase, smiles and nods adieu. opens the front door and disappears as ghosts always do.
maybe he will come back again to visit. he will shudder through my body. constricted lungs. a tight fist. bloodied dreams. i will lay down when he comes and open to him. because no matter how many times i scream, your screams will not kill your soul.
our soul is stronger than the pain.
no matter how unfair life is, our soul will not die.
no matter how many times we are raped, abused, abandoned, left for dead, our soul will survive it.
and when we die, we will still be ourselves, just without our bodies, we are immortal. souls.
all of life the good, the bad, the sublime, the horrific, the redemptive, the traumatic, is just a picture frame. our soul is the picture. there are moments in life when we are a beautiful picture in a broken frame
a soul survivor.