nice girl, finished
May 13, 2010 § 8 Comments
so, a couple of months ago i am sitting in an overpriced cafe in downtown cairo. across from me sits kathy, the nice white teacher lady extraodinaire, who makes everyone at the refugee school refer to her as ‘doctor’. supposedly, she mandates that students and teachers use this honorific for their benefit. not hers.
i call her kathy.
anyways, i am sitting there, with a cup of filter coffee and brown sugar packets, listening, as she tells me that i contribute nothing to my marriage. habibi (aka cal) does all the childcare, all the cleaning, all the cooking, works a full time job and goes to school fulltime. all i do is play on the computer.
we were sitting in this cafe, because a couple of weeks ago, she had told cal: mai’a is just using you, and everyone knows it, im just the only one who is willing to tell you.
now, obviously this is not true. but, the lies that she was spouting was not the point.
what i sat there realizing was: i had this let this happen.
there are thousands of times i could have told her to back off, shut up, stay out of my business, when i could have been honest and told her that she was wrong, stepping over my boundaries, etc. but i didnt. because i wanted to keep the peace. cause cal liked her. and aza liked her. and she was in love/in crush with cal and aza.
and believe it or not, i still have these yearnings of being the ‘nice girl’ who doesnt upset other people by ‘picking fights’ and ‘causing drama’ and blah blah blah.
and i sat there listening to her bullshit, thinking yeah i could cut kathy down into a million slices right now, she has no idea, i could make her feel tiny, humiliated, and wounded in ways she wouldnt get over for the next seven years. yeah, i could.
but that is not the point. because only a person who was already so humiliated and wounded could possibly live in the fantasy worlds she had concocted where she is saving the good white boy (cal) from the evil gold digging black bitch (me).
and i started to think about all those times in the past years when i had let someone define me. when i had let someone cross my boundaries time and time again, just so that i could be the ‘nice girl’. how i would apologize when i didnt mean it. how i would hear back talk, and my intuition scraping my spine, and i woke up with the taste of convos i wasnt physically present for on my tongue. and tell myself: oh everyone talks about everyone…when i knew that there is a difference between a bit of bitching and plotting how to fuck me over. how i got the message loud and clear, even though it was couched in passive agressive behaviour. and i tried to make nice. or some version of sweet girl meets pissed off girl. or something that ameliorated the situation, cause the last thing i wanted was to be the one ‘blame’ for the conflict.
i had let myself become a victim. of one more lady who was jealous that i had what she could only dream of. a loving partner, a beautiful child, a cute-ass smile. i went to party at night and cal was willing to stay home and watch aza. while all she could do was lust over cute young boys who visited her in the principal’s office. i was the cool ass artist, writer, blogger, dancer, poet, all around performer extraodinaire.
i had betrayed myself. i had stayed silent when the situation called for me to give her the finger. i was a warrior goddess acting like a scared rabbit.
something happened in that hour of having coffee with her. something i would probably thank her for, except i am not interested in giving her an entrance to the kingdom of me, by engaging her. i became hard as diamond. i became a warrior goddess who doesnt give a fuck about being nice.
life is drama, conflict, love, forgiveness, sex, birth, death. and nice girls make the ride smoother for you. that aint me.
i gave up the ghost of the nice girl who was afraid to speak up because she didnt want the blame for how shit went down.
life is shit. and i aint going to make the shit more comfortable.
i will show you why the ride is worth it.
she ended the conversation by informing me that cal and i obviously had marital problems. she could just ‘tell’ this because she has a doctorate in communication or intercultural xyz.
cal said that he wished i’d ‘use’ him.
and i dont give a fuck anymore whether or not you like me. or aza. or cal. i will not betray myself anylonger for your benefit, comfort, or ease. fuck it. haters beware, ive been through the fire and the ice. ive been abandoned and had my name dragged through the mud. but i am hard as diamond, cool as billie holiday, and i srsly srsly refuse to deny the truth, just because some folks think i am a whore.
and now, everybody knows it.