im not a game show
May 14, 2010 § 13 Comments
ever since i can remember, so since i was three or so, i have been told i had ‘communication issues’.
so of course i have spent the past three decades trying to fix my ‘communication’ issues.
i read books, listened to unsought advice, meditated, did affirmations, prayed, cried, begged for help, journaled, etc.
all trying to ‘work’ on my communication issues.
trying to figure out what was i doing so wrong?
and then a few weeks ago, i was talking to a sweet childhood friend who i had not spoken to in nearly twenty years.
and at one point in the convo i asked her a question, and then followed up that question with: please, excuse me i have a bad habit of asking direct questions.
and she says: you were always direct.
and ding. ding. ding. ding.
i was direct, when i was 6, 7, 8, etc. i couldnt believe that this is what she remembered about me from elementary school days.
welcome to my ‘communication issues’.
i have always been direct.
this is what my mom meant when she said i had communication issues, and my teachers, and the kids in school, and lovers, and friends, and and and…
what i mean is: in order for me to express myself, i have not created the prerequisite that i must console you. or comfort you.
always console you, or comfort you = being nice = way girls are supposed to talk.
direct honesty to you = self respect = way boys are supposed to talk.
i got communication issues.
i got the wrong gender coming out of my mouth when i speak.
men and women police women’s language to make sure that it sounds ‘appropriate’. you know, nice, sweet, gentle. reassuring. don’t worry. everything is going to be fine. hopeful. i’ll take care of it.
in more than one community i have been in, i have gotten the rep for ‘causing conflict/drama’. and i could never figure out how that shit happened. i would go over it in my head time and time again. b/c i was willing to be that i had ‘started’ this.
each time the story goes like this:
1. someone gives their opinion
2. i disagree with their opinion
3. someone defends their opinion
4. i still disagree with their opinion = i just caused conflict/drama/hellfire and brimstone raining down on judgement day/whateva
5. i spend a ridiculous amount of time blaming myself for not having the self-discipline to not give my opinion. and trying once again to fix my ‘communication issues’.
6. i try my hardest to be the nice girl for a while.
7. i forget about being the nice girl for a minute ( i get distracted…it is really hard to remember all the time) . give my opinion again.
why dont i ever learn?
and im not beating myself up because i think my opinion is incorrect. i am beating myself up because i spoke my opinion without permission.
and they arent criticizing what i say. they are criticizing that i dare say anything that was not consoling, comforting or reassuring.
they are criticizing me because life is heartbreaking. and the thing i am supposed to do is suppress disagreement conflict and anger, lay my body in the road to smooth out the pot holes. and obviously i have forgotten my role. and obviously a reminder will tell me how i am supposed to express myself and when and where and with whom. and of course this is just the way things are.
and i guess i dont learn because i dont want to learn a lie.
cause, in reality, im not a game show, im a girl just trying to make in this world.
and i think that folks deserve more than just a consolation prize.