golden

May 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

a couple of days ago, i saw a comment from a lady that i used to know on a social networking site.  one of those friend of a friend moments.

when i was broken and hurting.  she had told me to come to her if i needed to talk.  and i did.

in response, she basically verbally slammed the door in my face.

i fell apart when no one was looking.  and then picked up the puzzle pieces and started to figure life out.

anyways, she made a comment.  and i so wanted to write a comment and just slam her.  passive aggressively.  because i knew that she would barely remember me.  and i could hear the words forming in my fingertips, how perfect they would be, the kind of words that would burn as she wondered was that about her? or no? or yes? and did she know me? or no? or?

the kind of words that eat away at her slowly.

and i wrote them.

and then i deleted them.

not because i didnt want to be mean.  or wanted to be nice.  not because she didnt deserve them.  (she did. she really really did. hell, karma is a bitch, and sometimes i am her whip.)

but because i realized that there was this .001% of my energy that was invested in resenting her. constantly, in my unconscious, resenting her.  and my (unconscious) energy is precious and i just didnt want to waste it that way.

so i deleted.  and i wished her well. and kept wishing her well until i actually meant it.  it took a few times.

and it was like a little flake of nothing flew off of my skin.

and i felt new.

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