June 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
1. last night was a beautiful night. more and more i find myself simply being myself in all of my social awkwardness, radical politics, temple goddess, dorky smile, bad mama, bra-less with flip flops, bookworm, philosophical debate loving self.
i had thought i would have time to paint: stay curious on my office wall before the party. but people arrived on time! what? not everyone thinks that when i say ‘around nine’ i kinda mean ‘around eleven’? ah. start the grill and hand out drinks.
we started talking about fusion music arabic meets jazz. so i put on miles davis sketches of spain. aza starts to dance in the middle of the room this amazing improvisation. she was completely into the music and the dance and the audience. starting with her eyes and then radiating through out her body. she was the embodiment of longing and reminiscence.
3. ended up talking about nihilism in french arabic and english. translation flying across the room. on the one hand it can take a bit of time (for me) to describe philosophical concepts across tongues. but it doesnt really slow down the conversation. conversations simply move differently through the crowd. plus i am a language nerd so finding out a new way to say something gets me high.
so I looked up nihilist in the dictionary.The first definition—that life is meaningless and that there are no grounds for any moral truths—clearly doesn’t fit me. Nor is it true that I do not believe in truth, beauty, or love. The second definition—that the current social order is so destructive and irredeemable that it needs to be taken down to its core, and to have its core removed—fits me like a glove, I suppose the kind you’d put on to not leave fingerprints.
4. its funny. i still bristle a bit when someone characterizes me as an extremist. but i am learning to wear it lightly. because the same people who call me an extremist as a way to subtly dismiss what i am saying are the same ones who love me when i dont judge who you sleep with, cause i believe in freedom. who isnt stressing about exactly who paid how much. cause money aint that important. who tells you to trust love and your dreams, because you have the potential to live more fully than the current social order wants you to believe.
5.stay curious to me is the answer to the unpredictability of life. the future is uncertain. so i try to stay curious to the future, to people, to events, to myself. and i wonder–what if i did this? seeing life as an experiment. questioning everything. curiosity keeps me paying attention. keeps me willing to experiment with honesty and authenticity.
6. its curiosity that fuels beautiful improvisation like miles davis and aza discovering what happens next when they do this…when they respond to the moment and let the moment respond to them.