this free heart is beautiful and breathing

July 20, 2010 § 8 Comments

its weird in the past few weeks i feel like i have been people’s punching bag.  like whatever choices i have made, am making, will make are wrong.

it turns out that i should be ashamed at being at a bar while my partner and daughter are at home.  and i should be ashamed that i take my kid to a bar.  and ashamed when i dont want to be at a bar.  i dress wrong, my hair is wrong, my conversations are wrong, i talk to the wrong people, and i dance with the wrong people, and my writing is irrelevant, and i should be writing more, and im lazy,  i should leave my entire life and get myself in a zen monastery. i should be more grateful for this life i have. i should be ashamed that i plan to go to gaza and i should be ashamed that i’m not in gaza.  and i should ashamed that my kid eats mc donalds.  and i should be ashamed that she eats street food.  and i live to safe and comfortable as a dull housewife.  and i dont live safe enough in this dangerous baladi neighborhood, putting my daughter in danger.

and i could go on, but im sure you get the picture…

but there was something really good i got out of all this negativity…

i had to take a good hard look at my life and see what did *i* think of it.   was i happy?

and the answer, once i got down to the root of it, was — fuck yeah. i love my life.

i am ecstatically in love with my life when i let myself be so.  and i have been taught, and allowed myself to believe that i didnt have a right to be in love with my life unless everyone else was too.  i had given over an incredible power to ‘everyone’.  to determine when i could be in love with life.

when in reality.  my life is fucking awesome.  and the second that i stopped looking for a solution to my ‘problem’ and i stopped feeling like i have to be dissatisfied.  i have to be angry.  i have to be scared.  because that is how responsible, respectable people are.  they are worse than their lives, worse than whatever has happened to them.  they dont deserve to be free or happy.  until they have achieved xyz.

and i dont know why people want to convince me that im not happy.  but there is really nothing in my life i need to fix. or improve. not even me.

——

all i ever wanted was a pure heart.  a beautiful heart.

and that is all i have: a pure heart.  we all do.  all 7 billion of us on this planet.

i dont ‘own’ anything else.  the rest of it will come and go, is impermanent, transient.  everything else has a beginning and an end.

this pure heart that gets covered over by our delusions and silliness, our indifference and self-denials.

but always pure still. pure no matter what.

——

a friend says that we cause our own suffering.  i can kind of  see what she means, but i dont think it really matters who causes our suffering.  society, teachers, parents, lovers, media, etc. teach us that to be worthy, beautiful, happy we have to believe their life-denying messages.  and can we really blame ourselves for believing them when that is all we hear day after day?  our brain simply repeats to us what it is fed.

—–

my grandmother is the only person who fed me something other than lies.   the one who saw the pure heart.  and let it breathe.

—–

there are moments when i forget about this heart.  i remember. i forget. i remember again.

mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers

then, mountains are rivers, and rivers are mountains

and then, mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers…

and then i forget…

—-

i really dont have time to play games anymore.

some people say that in order for one to achieve inner freedom, one must find a teacher, join a spiritual community, meditate an hour a day, live in a certain part of the world, buy certain types of products, see the world a certain way, believe in certain dogmas, join certain institutions, etc.

but that aint it.

freedom isnt dependent upon anything.  if freedom were dependent on anything, then it wouldn’t be free.  there is no ’cause’ to freedom, and there is no ‘effect’.  feel me?  freedom doesnt have a price.  freedom is free.

to be free doesnt require anything, or else it wouldnt be freedom.  it would be enslaved.

believing that to be free you need xyz, is just another game we play so that we can feel like our life makes sense.  another delusion.  another half-baked fantasy.

you are free already.  there is nothing you need to do to be free.  no choice you need to make.  no place you need to go.

you are free.

and you have a beautiful pure heart.

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§ 8 Responses to this free heart is beautiful and breathing

  • damidwif says:

    just a week ago, i was telling my friend how someone was trying to inject their dissatisfaction, their unhappiness with my actions, into my life. i refused to take on that energy because i’m at a point where i need to stay focused on my target…i’ve had too many incidents that have tried to intercept my dreams. so i told my friend that i realized that people try to make their issues your own. and i refuse to deal with, or accept that, right now, and maybe forever.

  • Sumayyah says:

    Girl! I love this.

  • Mamita Mala says:

    Some people will never be happy with what “we” do pero like you said, if you are, the rest can go fuck themselves. Ok well you didn’t say that pero that’s what I say. ja ja

  • Leah says:

    Hi there, I found your blog via WomanistMusings via Feministe (wow) etc. Love this entry. Recently the shit hit the fan for me and I was like, fuck, i gotta start feeling – free in myself, trusting in my, as you say, “pure and beautiful heart.” Since that, i’ve become more generous, my politics have become better and well…even the mental breakdown moments seem to have changed character in some way!

    umm…so i actually have very little to say but amazing post, fucking love your writing.

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