August 26, 2010 § 4 Comments
this was a comment that i was writing to aaminah that kind of is taking on a life of its own…
life is triggering. life is painful. yes. and i have found that once i said…ok…triggers are here and here and here and i got to walk through them. that is when i realized that life is also fun and beautiful and maddening and sad and ecstasy and a whole lot of things that i had been hiding from because i was afraid of being triggered. i understand that other people need to deal with things differently. but for me. i want the ecstasy and love and fullness of life.
also, i realized that everyone has trauma. everyone has been traumatized either in small ways just from living in an alienating society. or in large more abrupt ways. we are all broken. we are all alienated. we are all traumatized. and sooner or later we have to figure out a way to live with all of our traumas and triggers.
and this is in part why i question the politics of trigger warnings. cause if we are all traumatized then how do decide which traumas should be noted and watched out for and which shouldnt?
let me give an example. i agree with bfp that i like the way that cara does trigger warnings. i think she does them much more responsibly than most. and honestly the thing that cara posts about that is most likely to trigger me is not sexual assault or violence against women. it is the beatles. yep, the beatles. cause the ex/abuser was a HUGE beatles fan. HUGE. owned every vinyl album. saw himself as the reincarnation of john. and of course i was yoko–the girl who broke up the band.
my body/brain starts racing and bringing to mind not so nice images when i see certain beatles pictures, especially the arcane and obscure ones. the kind that a true beatles fan salivates over. the kind that cara loves.
now, in no part of the universe do i expect for cara to put a trigger warning on her posts about the beatles. i love that cara has the dorky side that is all about beatle mania and collector items and genuine geekiness.
actually it was cara that first taught me how fucking awesomely cool yoko really is. and now yoko is one of my favorite artists. if i had decided to hide from my fear of being triggered, i would never have found yoko, the artist. and would not have realized that so much of my ‘crazy dreams of things i want to do someday’ is actually art. cara gave me yoko. and yoko gave me confidence.
and frankly, john, its just a pop band.
August 21, 2010 § Leave a comment
the only safety i have known in my life has been the feeling/knowing that i belong in this body. that i am solid. that i am still here.
safety for me is embodiment.
safety for me is mindfulness.
safety for me is freedom.
August 21, 2010 § 1 Comment
this is about me. not you. not her.
i had to get to the point where i wasnt afraid of being triggered.
i still get triggered. but i had to see that while being triggered is so painful. that is what it is: pain.
i couldnt go about my life hiding from being triggered.
nor could i expect that the world would protect me from being triggered.
i had to get to the point where i knew that no matter how much pain it was, no matter how much i screamed and yelled and cried, no matter how much i shook and banged my body against the walls, that this was just pain.
just pain. pain is a part of life.
everyone has their own path. and this a step in mine.
August 21, 2010 § 2 Comments
so this is freedom. this feeling, this knowledge that i am here. in this body.
that i am embedded in this body. in this space. in this moment in time.
knowing, feeling, living that there is space for girls like us.
that no matter what happens. whatever is taken from me. whatever is given to me. i can know/live that i am embedded in this world. right now. right here. i can always return to this knowledge. because it is real. it is fundamental. it is the deep silence from which my thoughts and stories spring.
so this is the freedom that has been available to me the whole time. that i have experienced glimpses of.
so this is the peace that passeth understanding. it is not an airy fairy peace. it is a skin, blood, muscles, air, hearing, seeing right now. right here. in this body. peace.
so this is contentment. that surpasses excitement and anticipation and nostalgia.
so this is happiness. to not be afraid of the pain.
August 21, 2010 § 1 Comment
what i want to write about:
the connections between reproductive health/justice and the destruction of the environment/landbase. how our reproductive health is negatively and positively connected to the land that we live on. and how our act of reproduction, of creating the next generation, is an act of intervention on the destruction of the land. how i dont buy into the ‘breeder destroying the earth’/overpopulation is the problem scare tactics. how blaming overpopulation for the destruction of the earth, is blaming the victim for the abuser’s violence. it is not us, lil mamas, who are destroying the earth with our selfish procreation. it is colonization and empire. it is huge multinational corporations who are raping the land and dumping their poisons in our backyards. it is not our survival that is killing off 35-150 species every day. it is the powers that be, who have the money, the access, the technology, the greed who are destroying us and all of the other species of life.
i want to write about the difference between security and freedom.
i want to say that we have no moral right to be secure. in that security is based on social privilege, on structural violence. it is about choosing to protect oneself by relying on the systems that destroy others. thinking that one has a right to use nationality, socio economic class, race, gender, sexuality, and all of the other hierachical systems of violence — in order to be protected and secure.
August 18, 2010 § Leave a comment
hey. thought id leave you with a couple of links.
–sweet post by jaded hippy on changing her mind about feminism and children
–not very surprised to find out that racism is bad for white folks health as well. karma.
–i told myself i was going to write a blog post about this, but it just hurts too much to write about right now. mother loses her baby for three years because she refused a c-section. had a healthy baby vaginally. and then was accused by the state of endangering her baby’s life by refusing to sign a pre consent to c section.
my decision to have c section was greatly influenced by the threat of the hospital calling protective child services if i left the hospital, and then i read this story…i run out of words.
–but dont worry women and black folks are still in more pain…women, blacks receive inadequate pain meds.
August 18, 2010 § Leave a comment
i have been meaning to post about this article for a while. but im late on it. this is the type of article that makes me jealous that i dont live in the usa, but grateful that i get to read the wisdom from convergences like ussf.
Healing justice is being used as a framework that seeks to lift up resiliency and wellness practices as a transformative response to generational violence and trauma in our communities.
This past year I took a deeper dive into the notion of wellness for our movements and the role of well being for organizers. I sat with my dreams and wondered, ‘How far have we been able to come despite noxious toxic waste dumps near our homes, and oil spills and sterilization abuse, population control and genocide…just a few things on our map of oppression. How have we survived?” I’ve been asking these questions to the ‘salt eaters’ and the ‘dreamers’ and the ‘shapeshifters’ among us; what is wholeness? Not an ableist notion of wholeness that implies one specific body or blood type, but a shape of wholeness that intrinsically knows what each individual and collective notion of feeling whole and safe and well can look like. Not the bought ‘wholeness’ you can find only in supreme retreat packages at sunset salons but the kind of ‘wholeness’ that calls on whole communities and whole movements to be well, sustainable and resilient. Who will answer the call to our hurts, our wounds, our double/triple/quadruple pains of oppression and desperation? How will we answer our own calls to wellness and safety?
I’ve been sitting with southern and national healers to remember the role of healing inside of liberation. I am leading a storytelling gathering project with the KINDRED southern healing justice collective to tell the stories of southern healers in the U.S. to map our sites of transformative practice as conduits of social change. Call it a quest for what the role of healing is and how healers move us to and through liberation. What keeps us resilient in our hearts, our blood, our bones? What helps us to rebuild a home? How do we reclaim and re-imagine safety in our homes and movements?