survival is a spiritual discipline revisited

from black amazon

That all of this bundeled me toward womanism , toward this radical loves love auntie. That if the Idea that we don’t concentrate on getting in or getting out but comeing to get each other to get that thing that hurts that if nothing

else we will be the people who think of each other as human first

That is what I think of as media , that is what I imagine it is to bring justice OR reform .

That when we say radical love , it’s a joke its an in crowd thing. It is pie in the sky because we believe that the end point is not validation but sight , that i see you that i hold you that i let you be

and I will travel to do so

I come get you.

That when I reach out you reach out that we stand in the face of everything and we say what we mean.

That coming to get you isn’t about ME

It’s about being there for you seeing you loving you is about making sure that you get be you teh you you are teh you you wnat to be

safe and loved and free

that si the radical , teh loyalty .

That is teh tears the pain teh circatrice the blood

that is teh after ALL OF this teh get up again.

i am tired of not being seen as human.  or as human as another.  it is wearing on me.  having tears just hang in the eyes.  so tired.

i want to be seen.

i live in this world.  too.  but in the world in which i live, it is assumed that i have a personality problem.  thats the way it has been my whole life.  always.  always.  not as charming. smart. cordial. entertaining. popular. as another. as the person sitting right next to me. and because my personality doesnt fit.  i dont deserve to be treated like a human being.

its always too.  too much.  too little.

so today i make an official declaration…i give up.

i give up trying to be not intimidating, non-threatening, or non-violent.  i give up trying to make others feel comfortable with what i say or how i say it.  i give up. and i accept that that means that i am responsible for the impact of my behaviour.  and the impact of my behaviour is: others may feel threatened.

i take full responsible for that.

and because others feel threatened others may feel alienated and uncomfortable

i take full responsible for that.

and because others feel threatened and alienated and uncomfortable others may decide that i am not someone who deserves respect.  that we accord to all sentient beings. that i am not an equal human being to them.   i dont take responsibility for that. that is their shit.

cause here is the deal.  i am a radical queer working class woman of color.  i break borders because i exist on this planet and have not decided to commit suicide…yet…

the only way i can not make others feel threatened and alienated and uncomfortable is by me not expressing who i am.  like the way that folks say that they dont mind homosexuals they just dont want to see any public displays of ‘homosexual behaviour’.

and that is the part that i refuse to do. i refuse to not *act* like a radical queer working class woman of color.  i refuse to not *act* like i love myself.  and i love my sisters.  and i love all of us that break borders just by existing and loving our existance more than our annihilation.

i get it.  i get it. i get it.  come get me.  baby. i get it.

they have to have the right answers.  all of them.  and their answers dont include me.  dont include us.  so our very existance threatens them.  because they have to have all the right answer.  all of them.  and their answers dont include my radical queer working class women of color ass.  doesnt include.  certainly doesnt center it.  and all of a sudden i jump in their life, sit down at their table, appear in their classroom (like some apparition) and start talking like my radical queer working class black ass matters.  like it is central in how we should understand the world.  as if my perspective is just as important as theirs.

that is a muthafucking threat.

more than a knife. or a gun. or a nuclear arsenal held by zionist fingers.

i keep inserting myself, my loves, my experiences, my very being into this world and the next one.  i keep insisting that i matter.  we matter.  just as much.  maybe even more.

that is a threat.

this is why i say that survival is a spiritual discipline.  because it takes faith to do this.  constantly.  to say.  my survival requires me constantly asserting my existance…and we break borders simply be existing.  borders between here and there. between life and death.  between this world and the next.  between yes and no.  between is and not.  we break borders.

and that very act of breaking.  that very act of existing even though all the right answers dont include us.  that is prophetic work at its most fundamental and finest.

so yeah im tired of the expat world in which i am a threat simply because i am me.  radical beautiful loving me.

but prophets and artists and visionaries are rarely loved in their own time. for their own work.

i give up.  i may sit next to you.  but i will just as easily get up. if you have all the right answers.  but not a single interesting question.